This morning I left my son sitting in a bouncer chair on the floor of his new daycare. Two other babies there were screaming, so the providers were running around tending to them, and my son stared calmly ahead in his chair while I walked away and got in my car.
Then I cried. For a long time.
It was a chaotic way to start daycare for us. There are no red flags about the place, and I’m sure it’s fine blah blah blah, but the only way I would have felt good about this interaction was if my husband or one of our parents, my son’s grandparents, were there to stay and hold him all day. Oddly enough this daycare center did not employ anyone from my family, so I cried.
My husband and I cannot afford to have one of us stay home with our son full time. I knew this, and knew daycare was always going to be in the cards. I was always fine with that in theory, but it wasn’t until the reality was looming in my calendar did it begin to feel wrong. I went back to work almost one month ago and cried, and left my son in the hands of strangers for the first time today and cried even harder. I am told it will get easier, that these women won’t be strangers so very soon, but does that mean it is the right choice for me?
I have no choice currently, so I suppose it is.
This blog is called “Life is Really Easy” because I know it almost never is. I began writing it as an outlet for my anxieties and work while pregnant, and now that I’ve become a mother I’m still figuring out where this blog fits in my brainspace. I’ve found there’s little time to dwell on what I’m doing or feeling while caring a newborn, and any downtime I have is spent on things that distract me from the chaos that is my current life – so, not this blog. But since my single New Year’s Resolution is to “get my shit together,” maybe there’s a place to do that here.
Anyway. This is just a post to say I left my son with someone else, it feels wrong and I’m crying, but since life is really easy I’m sure this was the best decision and things are absolutely fine.