People seem to not know how to talk to me anymore now that I’m gestating. Many conversations begin with intense eye contact and a smooth: “How are you?” Even when I’m able to quickly change subjects I’ve been nothing short of amazed at how fast these intelligent people with interesting lives are able to work in babies, my stomach size, or cliche food cravings back into the conversation. Any example:
Me: Crazy how we’ve finally re-established diplomatic relations with Cuba, huh?
Intelligent friend who knows things about Cuba: Oh yes, it’s crazy to think that your baby will be born in a time when he can go to Cuba on vacation! Maybe you should take your baby to Cuba! Are there pickles in Cuba? How’s your vagina? *
* Not actual conversation I’ve had. . . yet.
Me: I want to see Magic Mike XXL this weekend. Do you want to come?
Friend with excellent taste in movies, deep love for Channing Tatum: Is that an appropriate movie for a baby? Ha ha! But mom can eat popcorn! I bet you want popcorn all the time, huh? Let’s go!*
No movie is appropriate for a 30-week-old baby, his/her eyesight is still in development and they wouldn’t process even the most basic movie plot, like the plot of Magic Mike XXL.
So I thought about things I actually want to talk about and created a list for those of you that have a close friend that’s slowly morphing into a lactating body of boringness. Without further ado, here are my conversation ideas:
- Climate Change
- Baby sloths
- How many croissants she ate while binge watching Orphan Black this weekend
- Good body postures for farting
- How beautiful David Grohl is
- Earliest acceptable time for a thirty-something to go to bed
- Favorite Froyo toppings
- Best nonsensical things to cry about
- Abundance of GOP candidates for upcoming presidential election
- Pooping strategies
- Jeff Goldblum
- Favorite brunch spots
- Funniest dog breed
- Social media activism
- Shaving strategies
- Good nonfiction books to read over the summer
- Best Netflix comedies to watch when everything makes you sad
- Weirdest body discharge
- Ways she’s not like her mother
- Vacation places she’ll see again
. . . and I’m sure there’s more where that came from.