This morning I left my son sitting in a bouncer chair on the floor of his new daycare. Two other babies there were screaming, so the providers were running around tending to them, and my son stared calmly ahead in his chair while I walked away and got in my car.
Then I cried. For a long time.
It was a chaotic way to start daycare for us. There are no red flags about the place, and I’m sure it’s fine blah blah blah, but the only way I would have felt good about this interaction was if my husband or one of our parents, my son’s grandparents, were there to stay and hold him all day. Oddly enough this daycare center did not employ anyone from my family, so I cried.
My husband and I cannot afford to have one of us stay home with our son full time. I knew this, and knew daycare was always going to be in the cards. I was always fine with that in theory, but it wasn’t until the reality was looming in my calendar did it begin to feel wrong. I went back to work almost one month ago and cried, and left my son in the hands of strangers for the first time today and cried even harder. I am told it will get easier, that these women won’t be strangers so very soon, but does that mean it is the right choice for me?
I have no choice currently, so I suppose it is.
This blog is called “Life is Really Easy” because I know it almost never is. I began writing it as an outlet for my anxieties and work while pregnant, and now that I’ve become a mother I’m still figuring out where this blog fits in my brainspace. I’ve found there’s little time to dwell on what I’m doing or feeling while caring a newborn, and any downtime I have is spent on things that distract me from the chaos that is my current life – so, not this blog. But since my single New Year’s Resolution is to “get my shit together,” maybe there’s a place to do that here.
Anyway. This is just a post to say I left my son with someone else, it feels wrong and I’m crying, but since life is really easy I’m sure this was the best decision and things are absolutely fine.
It’s been three months since I welcomed my son into the world. What a ride. Between the c-section recovery, breastfeeding, and family visits I’m just beginning to get the hang of this mothering thing. And back to work I go.
Looking back, I am amazed at the growth and development of my son in this short time. I’m also amazed at the lightening fast transition my husband and I experienced from laid back jokers with pets to laid back jokers with a baby (note: the pets are still here and equally adorable). Our late nights at restaurants, theaters, and comedy clubs were replaced with late nights, in bed, shuffling our son to and from his bassinet. I read books on my Kindle while my husband played games on his iPad while my son ate. At first it felt like a chore, then our son started smiling and all of a sudden I realized this time was a gift.
As he sleeps in his swing (note to parents-to-be: buy a f*cking swing), I decided to lay out my maternity leave the best I know how, in books. I’m about to return to my job as a librarian and, quite frankly, all the small moments that comprised the first twelve weeks of my son’s life blur together into a cloud where everything is soft and hazy. I wish I could remember more, but I already don’t. So here are the books I read:
I had all these posts in the works, then I do something silly and go and have my baby over three weeks early.
I had an early induction due to health concerns three weeks ago, and have been juggling life with a newborn ever since. I’d like to thank Netflix, my husband, and my iPhone for getting me this far.
More soon – as soon as I can get both of my hands on my laptop, that is.
I resisted doing any research about infant/baby products my first trimester for two reasons: I was too ill/tired to lift my weakly fingers to my keyboard, and because I was terrified of investing too much in a pregnancy so early, especially when I had so many medical concerns.
Thankfully my first trimester came and went, so halfway through my second trimester I glanced quickly through Lucie’s List and my copy of Baby Bargains to get an idea of what I might need right away. I set up a private Amazon registry and shared it with my husband. And then I didn’t think much about it.
Until I did.